Fewer things, better chosen: mindful living without the lecture

There's a particular awkwardness in telling the people close to you that you'd rather have fewer gifts, or better thought-through ones. It can sound like a reproach: as if you were judging what they've given you in the past, or turning down their generosity. And yet wanting fewer things ending up in a drawer isn't a moral judgement at all. It's a practical matter: space at home is limited, and an item that serves no purpose is an item you'll have to get rid of one day.

The problem isn't generosity, it's chance

The drawer full of things you never use doesn't come from too much love on the part of the people giving them. It comes from chance: with no clue to go on, everyone guesses, and sometimes guesses wrong. Cutting down on that chance isn't cutting down on the affection you receive, it's simply pointing it in a better direction.

Say what you want, rather than what you don't

"I don't need anything" shuts the conversation down without resolving it: the person who wants to give feels stuck, and improvises anyway. A short list, with two or three genuine wants, does the opposite. It says "here's what would be useful to me", without saying "don't just buy anything", even if that's partly what it means underneath.

Letting time do the sorting

A simple trick for telling a genuine want apart from a passing whim: note it down without buying it, and reread it a month later. Whatever's still on the list after that delay has a good chance of being useful; whatever you've forgotten probably wasn't. It's this principle that makes a list more reliable than an impulse buy, both for you and for the person giving you something.

What it actually changes

On Wishi, a list doesn't need to be long to be useful. Three or four genuine wants are plenty to steer a gift towards something that will actually serve you, against a list of twenty items that no longer helps anyone choose. Here, mindful living isn't a lecture about overconsumption: it's simply a shorter, more honest list.

• Replace "I don't want anything" with two or three specific wants.
• Let a want sit for a while before treating it as genuine.
• Favour a short list over a long one: it guides better.
• Don't explain your approach with every gift you receive, the list speaks for you.

To go further into what makes a list genuinely useful day to day, the article on asking for what you really want covers how to put a want into words without sounding like you're demanding anything.

Common questions